


and if you're still bleeding you're the lucky ones

by AntheaGunn



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 12:45:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6195611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AntheaGunn/pseuds/AntheaGunn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a puddle of blood forming directly underneath the bed, barely distinguishable in the darkness that fills every corner, every nook and cranny of the room.</p><p>Even the blackness of space could not compare with this darkness, the moon absent from the sky.</p><p>You suddenly understand why they call it the dead of night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So... that was a kick, huh? 
> 
> At least it inspired me to write again. 
> 
> It starts very angsty but please bear with me, I promise it will get better soon.

_There was a boy_  
A very strange enchanted boy  
They say he wandered very far, very far  
Over land and sea... 

 

0

It won't come off. 

No matter how much you scrub, no matter how raw your skin becomes, her blood persists, in the spaces between your fingers, in the soft flesh under your nails. 

You are alone, confined to the solitude of silence, the drop drop drop of the still wet furs on the bed is the only thing you can hear. 

There is a puddle forming directly underneath, barely distinguishable in the darkness that fills every corner, every nook and cranny of the room.

Even the blackness of space could not compare with this darkness, the moon absent from the sky.

You suddenly understand why they call it the dead of night. 

 

8

It takes a little more than a week for the conclave to proclaim the new Heda. 

When Titus comes through the door, the sun has barely peaked through the heavy clouds you can spy from the open balcony doors. 

He is clearly nervous. You can see the guilt eating at him in the way he twists his hands, how he cannot meet your eyes even for a moment. 

He bows before you, reverently, and you can't help the vicious tone of your voice. 

“I am not your Heda, you don't need to bow before me.”

His eyes meet yours for a brief moment and you cannot help but suspect that there is something more he wants to say, something he is keeping from you. 

But he only replies, “The spirit has chosen his new vessel.” Then, after a pause, “she wants to see you.”

“She?”

Titus only offers a distracted “you'll see” before crossing the threshold and stopping on the other side, clearly waiting for you to join him. 

You refuse to take your eyes off the black blood that still stains your hands as you walk the long corridor which you know will take you to the throne room. 

A set of doors opens in front of you and at once you find it impossible to move, to lift your eyes on the throne in which you know she won't be seated, to see another body, the wrong body, standing proud in front of her subjects. 

When you finally pass through the doors and take your place at the center of the room, your mind takes a bit of pride in finding your suspicions on the identity of the new commander confirmed. 

Ontari stares at you, war paint obscuring half her face, red sash dutifully perched on her right shoulder. 

The contrast between her and Lexa is so shocking that for a second you feel dizzy, and although you immediately resume your control, you can see that Ontari has noticed. 

But the girl interest you very little in this moment. 

You are furious. Not with her, but with yourself. 

Because for just a moment, you had deluded yourself into thinking of seeing her eyes again, so green against the kohl on her face, her mouth stretched into a soft smile just for you. But you found out very early that in this world stories and dreams are just that and have no place in real life.

Lexa's body is wasting away in some secret chamber somewhere waiting to be lit on fire, a reminder and a warning at the same time. 

No one, not even the commander of the 12 clans is above judgment. 

Just thinking about that makes your head spin and suddenly you feel a wave of protectiveness taking hold of your body. 

You desperately want to find her, wherever she is, and hold her onto you, feel every inch of her body against yours. You long to bury your face in her curls, to keep her warm until her body turns into ashes and nothing is left.

Your thoughts are interrupted by Ontari's voice, and when you lift your eyes you find she has moved from the slightly elevated stage where _Lexa's_ throne is to come stand in front of you. 

“Clarke of the sky people,” she starts, “a fortnight ago your people slaughtered 300 of my warriors who had been sent to protect them. Mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters.” 

Her eyes move from you to the representatives of the 12 clans currently surrounding you on both sides, and all at once you understand what this is. 

Ontari didn't call you here to properly introduce herself as the new heda, or to discuss together how to move forward from what happened, or even to allow you a last farewell to the woman you love. 

This is not a business call or an informal introduction. 

This is a trial, your trial, and you have already been declared guilty. 

Her eyes are cold as she proclaims, final, “As of now the sky clan is no longer part of this coalition and my army prepares to move war on your camp. But I will give you the chance to save yourselves. Bring me the man you call Pike and every one who assisted him in his bloodlust and I will spare the rest of your people.”

You are frozen, the nausea you feel threatening to take you under. “And how do you suppose I do that? Pike has a strong following, to accept your proposition would mean to condemn half of my people to death.”

“This is what you don't understand, Clarke.” Ontari takes a step towards you, and she's so close you can feel her breath on your face as she bends to whisper in your ear, “this is not a proposition. It is an order. One you will obey otherwise in a fortnight my army will lay waste to your camp.” A deep breath, then “I am not Lexa, Clarke. You better remember that. You have two days to decide.”

She turns around, strong and lethal as she takes her place on the antler's throne. 

“Blood must have blood.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not beta-ed so I hope it is decent!   
> Let me know what you think.

8

It takes you almost half a day to arrive near Arkadia's gates.

You pause just behind the first line of trees that marks the beginning of the forest, hidden from view. As you dismount the horse, you take a deep breath and you briefly consider to just get back on and ride away, to resume the wandering life you were leading before Roan came and, by all means, kidnapped you four months ago.

It would be so easy to just turn around and forget about everything, about Pike and his vengeance, about your mother and Kane, about your friends, about how, the last time you were inside camp, you couldn't even breath without feeling like you were chocking on the blood of all the people you have killed. 

But then, _you can't walk away from who you are, Clarke_ , and _that's why I..._ and you know that walking away again is not an option. _You were born for this, same as me._

Maybe it would have been better not to be born at all.

-

As you leave the cover of the trees you hold your hands high above your head, a white cloth flowing softly in the breeze and you hope against all odds that they won't just shoot you on sight. 

It would be fitting, you think. Anya's blood still soaks the earth just a few feet from where you are standing. 

But no quick death comes to take you away from this harsh world, 'not yet my love', you think, and you can see a few men coming out of the gates, none of them armed. You are immensely surprised to see Kane leading the small group, and you tense when you see him smiling at you as he approaches. 

"Well, that's unexpected," you tell him as his arms come to hold you in a brief hug, "I thought you would be pacing in some prison by now."

"Yes," he laughs, "let's say there have been a few... changes since the last time you were here." He looks at you, and you can tell he knows something is wrong, knows you would have never left Polis and come back, alone, without guards (without Lexa) unless something big had happened. You watch his face turn from curious to afraid, and you realize he has no idea of how dire the circumstances have become for the Sky people. 

"Has Octavia not arrived yet?" you ask, puzzled. 

"No, why, wasn't she supposed to return with you?"

A spike of fear immediately takes hold of your heart. Something must have happened. Octavia should have arrived more than a week ago. You want to turn back, get on your horse and go find her, but you know you have very little time in order to find a way to save your entire community and as much as you fear for your friend the leader in you knows you cannot sacrifice many for one person. 

_You were born for this, Clarke._ Damn you, Lexa. 

\- 

As Kane opens the door to the council room (he must have understood you had serious matters to discuss and quickly) suddenly you are enveloped in your mother's arms. 

"Clarke, thank god, I was so worried." Then, looking at you, "What happened?"

Where to begin? How can you tell her that in just a few hours your life has been changed forever? How can you explain that when Lexa looked at you, her curls a like a halo against the sheets, her mouth open and the sound of her laugh in your ears, you could see the entire universe in her eyes? How can you translate into words the feeling of her hand over yours, black blood coating your skin? How can you describe how wide her eyes were, how her body trembled as she took her last breath against your lips?

"The commander, she..." you raise your head to look at her, willing her to understand, because you _can't say it_ , you just can't, and she must understand, she must, because suddenly she's holding you again, and "Oh, Clarke...I'm so sorry," and you can't breath, so you take a step back and you will yourself not to think about it, just for a few hours, because this is more important and it's what Lexa would have wanted you to do. Be strong. Be the leader she knew you could be. 

"We have a problem," you say instead, and it is enough for your mother and Kane to understand that the topic is closed. 

"The new Heda, Ontari, she wants revenge for the massacre Pike and the others caused. She wants Pike and all his crew to be delivered to her or in two days she will attack. We are talking about an army of thousands of soldiers, we stand no chance."

"Pike is currently incarcerated and awaiting trial," Kane tells you. At your undoubtedly baffled face, he explains "People were afraid, they still are, and they followed him out of fear. But once we got the chance to explain to them what a war against the grounders would have meant, how not only it would have been impossible for us to survive, but also how we would have been denied any trading, how we would have been left alone with no assistance come winter, many people understood. We held new elections, and Pike has been incriminated."

Relief flows into you. Knowing that your people are not lead by a psychopath anymore makes everything ten times easier. But the problem still stands. 

"That's good. So we'll give them Pike and we'll have to find a way not to surrender Bellamy and the others..."

"What?" you mother exclaims, "Clarke, how can you accept to surrender one of our people to them? You know what they will do to him, they will torture him! Kill him! We are not savages!"

"Pike killed 300 of their people mom! He is responsible for a massacre! Would you really risk a war to protect a murderer?"

"None of us is innocent Clarke, you better than anyone should know that." The not even subtle reference to your past actions sucks all the air from your lungs, and you are left silent as you look at her. 

"I think that's enough for tonight," Kane interrupts, always the diplomatic. "Why don't we all rest a little and maybe then we can find the best solution for everyone." He looks at you, then at your mother, and moves a little to partially stand between the two of you. 

You want to tell him to go float himself, you want to be petty and tell him that as much as he tries he's never going to be part of your family, that in your mother's eyes he's always going to be second best to your father. You want to see him suffer, as if that could alleviate you of even a small amount of your pain. But you are tired, you are exhausted, so you turn around and don't stop walking until you reach your bed and immediately throw yourself on it, knowing that you won't be able to sleep but needing to rest your body. 

To your immense surprise you can feel your eyes closing as soon as your head touches the pillow, and it is only because you are selfish that you allow your mind to finally rest. You know you will see her in your sleep. 

I'm coming, love. 

\- 

The first thing you feel is the hand on your mouth, even before you open your eyes. 

As the fog of sleep clears, in an instant you are already reaching for the dagger hidden in your left boot, when her voice suddenly stops you.

"Maybe that's not such a good idea, babe." 

You turn around sharply. 

"Octavia?"

She lets out a small laugh, "Yeah Clarke, it's me."

"What happened to you? You were supposed to come here a week ago!"

"Yeah well, me and Indra got held up. Now come on, you need to come with me."

"What? What are you talking about? Go where?" you ask, confused at your friend's sudden cryptic behaviour. 

But she clearly has no patience for your questions, since with a single move she has already kicked you out of bed and then turns to present you the sword Lexa had gifted you with a few weeks ago, now a necessary companion. 

"We have no time. I will explain everything, but first we have to get out of here without being seen."

"Wait," you tell her, "Pike's in jail, we don't need to hide."

"Do you really want to explain first to the guards and then to your mother why we are leaving camp in the middle of the night without protection when an army of grounders is getting ready to attack us?" At your lack of response she smirks, "Yeah, I thought so."

-

She takes you through a maze of corridors, gradually less and less populated, until you come in front of a panel which she quickly removes from the wall. An open passage stretches in front of you. 

"Are you ready?" she asks, unsheathing her sword and preparing to enter. 

You nod and follow her. After a few minutes the oppressive walls of the tunnel end abruptly and you are once again surrounded by the fresh air of the forest. The trees cast ominous shadows around you, black against the light of the moon. 

In front of you there are two horses. No words need to be spoken as you and Octavia each take one and she leads the way away from Arkadia. At first you follow a clear path, but after a while you see her deviate among the trees. The clear way of the wide road turns to a barely there path that you can barely recognize thanks to your months spent in the wilderness. After a while you realize you must have left the Trikru territory, as this is way farther than you have ever dared to go before.   
Still, you keep following Octavia until the first rays of the sun light the sky and the thick of the forest gives way to soft, green hills and a strange, new sound fills your ears. You think you remember it from some old movie you saw on the ark, and suddenly, as you round the last corner of trees and a smooth plain opens in front of you, you understand what it is. 

The sea greets you with strong, high waves, and the air is filled with the smell of salt. 

You are about to turn to Octavia to demand an explanation for the long journey, surely she didn't think you just needed some time off, when you spot a figure walking along the beach.

Her dress is long and flowy, similar in fashion to the one she was wearing that night after her fight with Roan, her body wrapped in a shawl, and her hair sway in the breeze. 

She is so beautiful, and she looks so real that for a moment you are convinced the last few days must have been a dream, that you must have died somewhere along the way and it just took you a while to find your way back to her. 

As you stand there, frozen, the sun raises above the sea and the water turns red. 

 

9

You watch her wrapping the shawl tighter around her body as she turns, a hand over her eyes to shield herself from the sunlight as she realizes she's not alone, and for the first time in 9 days you say her name aloud, like a prayer.

"Lexa."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, find me @antheagunnn.tumblr.com
> 
> Comments are heaven. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics from Ella Fitzgerald's "Nature Boy"
> 
> If you want to chat you can find me @ antheagunnn.tumblr.com
> 
> Comments are life.
> 
> Thank you for reading.


End file.
